We Need To Talk …


No, your software is not up to date . . .

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Dear iPhone 5,

I know you are not happy about your future existence. Or about your newest A6 processor-packing brethren being forced to abandon their aluminum and glass enclosure to a life of plastic. And I know you are not happy about being obsolete after only one year while the 4S still soldiers on for yet another cycle of sales. I can and certainly do understand your pain and anguish with these recent events, and know this must hit you like a ton of existential bricks.

It’s been a brief few months since I purchased you in early June, but in that time you’ve become my indispensable comrade in playing music, using apps, making phone calls, and browsing the Internet. I don’t think any of that will ever change with you as my smartphone, regardless of what version of iOS you’re using.

But please, you must not hold grudges like this against the new generations of devices. I know that they might seem pretentious to you with their colorful plastics, 64-bit processors, and fingerprint scanners. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think those Swiss cheese silicon cases look particularly attractive. All that I ask is that you not hold all of that against the new version of iOS. After all, it runs on more than just iPhones and more than just the most recent hardware.

I mean, let’s be honest here – we’ve known about iOS 7 since it was unveiled at WWDC this summer, about a week after I first purchased you. So I can’t accept that you just didn’t know about it. Heck, it’s the biggest UI redesign of the operating system since it’s inception back in 2007! And if somehow you never heard of it before, you know about it now, right? Granted, I wasn’t crazy about Jony Ive’s pastel obsession either at first, but the color scheme has grown on me since WWDC. So I hope it has for you as well.

Seriously, let’s just dispense with the charade, shall we? Don’t tell me “Your software is up to date” when CLEARLY there is a giant iOS revision just waiting to be downloaded and installed. I hope you can understand my predicament here, as I’ve got a podcast to record tonight and it’s going to look REALLY bad if I’m stuck on the old iOS when my co-host has the latest version. Oh, and did I mention he has an iPhone 5 as well? Maybe you and his phone should talk some time. You know, hear it from another iPhone 5 who took the step into the next iOS generation. It’s really not worth worrying about so much.

Anyway, I hope this note reaches you and finds you to be amenable to my modest request. I’ll even beg if I have to. iOS 7, please?

Your iOwner,


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